Tuesday 26 October 2010

Slutty Attempts at Mayonnaise

Right. So here's the cover of my favourite recipe book, the now, sadly out of print, The Slut's Cook Book by Erin Pizzey. First published in 1981, it used to belong to my mom, but she gave it to me a few years ago. I don't think she meant anything bad by it, well not in the sense that we modern women would assume. 'A slut', according to Pizzey, 'has style. Not for her the promiscuous behaviour of her friend the slag. The slut is a warm hearted, loving woman who enjoys her friends, her family and her food. She knows that the way to her man's heart is through his stomach.'
My mom always told me that any woman who thought that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach was aiming a little too high...
But no matter, I love this book, I've read and reread it often, and as with some of the best cook books, I have not cooked a single dish from it. But the lines such as 'the slut's best friend is a tin opener', or 'if the dinner is one the ceiling, she gets the guests plastered', or 'loosening of belts, splaying of legs' always make me grin.
But tonight I wanted to make something from it. So I attempted the first recipe 'Slut's Mayonnaise'. My mother warned me that this would be a waste of time and advised that I pick up a jar of homemade mayo from Giovanni's or Woolies, or even stop off at the corner cafe and pick up a jar of Hellman's. But I was having none of it. I was eating dinner alone tonight (asparagus) and I wanted to make my own mayonnaise.
Well, I won't bother you with the recipe, because if you're the sort of person who would want to make your own mayonnaise, you probably already have your own recipe, and if you have never tried to make it yourself, take my advice and give it a miss.
A pint, yes a pint (that's 568,261 ml - I know I had to google it), of good extra virgin olive oil wasted, 2 eggs, splash of malt vinegar ( to be truthful I never even got to that part).
The green slime was beyond redemption, so I binned it all and ate my asparagus with a squeeze of lemon juice instead. Very virtuous. And disappointingly non-slutty.
But I am not completely disheartened, Erin Pizzey ends her recipe with the encouraging words 'Mayonnaise is like love: the more times you make it, the better it becomes.'
Well, in my humble opinion, there are far better things to do with one's time than making your own mayonnaise. And I seriously doubt that my man will be disappointed with any one of the alternatives.


  1. asparagus with lemon juice works well for me! I can make mayo with no problem - but I cannot write as well as you do :) have a great day

  2. Ah, Tandy-Ms-Lavender-and-Lime. I think you do.
    And congratulations on the mayo thing...

  3. I have never attempted home made mayo before. Julia Child recons the secret is to warm the bowl in which you make it beforehand.

    I am going to look for the slut's cookbook. You won't believe what treasures I have found (in between shelves of the SHARP Micowave cookbook) in second hand bookshops!

  4. I have to have a copy of this book! I've the perfect "slag" to give it to. It'll be her best present ever. Ok and I need one too, but I'm just not referring to myself as a slut....

  5. @Hardspear. I shall try the Julia Child method when I ever gather up the energy (or the enthusiasm) to try again. Thanks for the tip. And I hope you find a copy of the book. And yes, what is it with all those Sharp Microwave manuals?!

  6. @Anonymous. It is a really cool gift. Perhaps you can rename it the Sensualist's Cook Book. But whatever name it goes by, the mayo was still a mess!

  7. I am not the mayo making type of person, too fastidious for me. I tried it once in cooking school but that's it. Lemon juice is the way to go (and less mess!)